The biggest way my life has changed since I moved to Hickory with Kevin is I am a mother now. Huge difference when you move across country and you leave your (adult) child behind!

When Kevin and I moved to Hickory, we weren’t married yet. We had only known each other a little over year and it was a blind leap of faith to move away together. We have been very blessed to have been together for over thirty years and a wonderful life together. Of course, we have had our ups and downs, but we have survived life together! The biggest accomplishment of our lives is our daughter, Molly.

Molly didn’t come to us easily. When we first got married, neither one of us wanted children. It wasn’t until I got closer to thirty than my “mother gene” kicked in. Kevin agreed to ONE child, and I got pregnant very easily. Staying pregnant was another situation. I had preterm labor and ended up on bed rest for three months. Kevin had to work fulltime and do all the housework too. Finally, our beautiful baby girl arrived and we thought all our troubles were behind us. That is when postpartum depression hit. It hit me hard. I don’t remember much of the first five months of Molly’s life and I am so grateful we took lots of pictures! Molly was born in January and my true memories start in June. What I remember most when the cloud of depression lifted is how much my heart had grown. I loved this little being more that I thought it was possible to love another human!

Fast -forward twenty-five years. Kevin and I are living in Oceanside and our daughter is living in Louisville. It hasn’t been that hard with cell phones, Facebook, and Snapchat. But something happened with Molly’s job last week and she needed me. She REALLY needed me. We always told her that just because we were living 2000 miles away, didn’t mean we wouldn’t be there for her when she needed us. So, I bought a plane ticket and headed to Louisville. The mother gene kicked in high alert and I wouldn’t have been anywhere else. Yes, she is twenty-five and she could have handled things on her own, but isn’t that what mothers are for?? Honestly, I am so very happy that I am the ONE she wanted to help her. There is nothing more satisfying for a mother than to be an important part of your adult child’s life. Even though Molly is an adult, that enormous love for her is still a part of my DNA and always will be!!

So, I am back in Oceanside and Molly is enjoying a weekend away with friends. We have decided that it will become a yearly trek for me to Louisville when school starts for Molly and I am excited to be a part of her career, if only for a short while each year. Parenthood may be the hardest job you will ever love, but LOVE is what it is all about!

Safe travels,

Lori

The whole idea behind this blog was to write about the differences between when Kevin and I moved to North Carolina when I was 22 and moving to California now. After two months, the things I have noticed are not all what I expected to matter.

When we moved to North Carolina EVERYTHING was new. We were just starting out. We didn’t have many possessions, so what we bought ended up being the “first”. Our first Christmas tree together, along with the “first” ornaments. Our first house together along with our first dining room set. Buying cars together for the first time. But, most importantly, just learning to live together as a “couple”. Everything was fresh, new and exciting.

This move is completely different. We brought to California over 30 years together. We are putting “our” things into this house. It is just the two of us, but Molly’s presence is everywhere. We are a family now with “family” stuff. Along with all this stuff, are memories. We didn’t have memories when we moved to North Carolina; we had only known each a little over a year! Now we have a lifetime of memories. It makes this move easier because we know each other and we know how to comfort each other if one of us is having a “off” day. Moving to North Carolina was a big step when I was 22, but I knew I could go back “home” to my parents if I needed to. There is no “going” back this time. We are here and this is where we will stay. This was our final move and that is both comforting and unsettling. We are near the “end” of our lifetimes, not the beginnings. It gives you a totally different perspective on life moving at this age.

The other way that this move is different is what we miss from back “home”. When we moved to North Carolina, what I missed most were the people we left behind. We didn’t have email; texting, Facebook, or Instagram and long distance phone calls cost big bucks. I felt disconnected from my life in Indiana to the point where I was so homesick I could hardly stand it sometimes. We missed everything about Indiana, which is why we eventually moved back and stayed 30 years!With this move to California, what i miss is the same, but in a different way. Thanks to modern technology. I can talk or even see the people I am closest to on a regular basis. What I miss most is being somewhere familiar. We lived in Indianapolis for thirty years and Fishers for twenty-eight. I knew where everything was. I knew people all over the city. I had connections to my community!! I miss that so much! I guess that is why I ended up wanting a job when I didn’t think I wanted to work anymore. I need connections in my life! I need to feel a part of something bigger than myself. The advantage to making a big move at my age is that I understand myself so much more than I did in my twenties. I know what I need to be happy. Writing this blog is part of my happiness. It is a way to communicate with the bigger world. Yes, of course, I miss being with Molly and my friends, but I miss the familiarity that comes with those relationships the most. Does that make sense?? Of course, I know, the longer we live here; those connections will be made here too. Just in a different way, because I am a different person. I will be making connections as an “older” woman, not as a young just married woman or a new mom. I have “no map” for what is to come. It is both exciting and scary at the same time, because I have so much to compare this “new” life with. I just have to have faith that the next thirty years will be as exciting and life changing as the last thirty!!

Safe travels,

Lori

I have to admit, Kevin and I have enjoyed being retired these past few months. We have gotten into a groove since we moved and most importantly, we don’t hate hanging out together all the time. But this week has reminded us that we aren’t quite ready to retire yet.

We have both applied for a lot of jobs. I didn’t think I wanted to work with children when we moved out here, but it really is who I am. Turns out, The Boys and Girls Club of Oceanside agrees.

They were the first job I applied for. It is an Afterschool Specialist position in an at risk elementary school. When I got the email requesting answers to more questions and an interview, I was pleased at first. And then, I almost cancelled the interview. I seriously told Kevin I wasn’t going to go because it wasn’t a job I wanted. I decided to sleep on my decision, and the next day, I changed my mind and decided to go. I did some research into the organization and I was impressed with their mission.

So, last Friday, I went to the interview with no expectations what so ever. I didn’t expect to want the job; I really just wanted to see what they would offer me. I left the interview with a totally different point of view. I was impressed with the man who interviewed me and the swarms of children attending summer camp at their headquarters touched me. I started to think that maybe I did want this job. I looked at the school calendar and decided that I would only take the job for three days a week at a certain hourly rate. I was solid with my decision.

Enter Monday and Tuesday. First, we get an unexpected medical bill. Then a letter from our HOA that we need to paint the eaves of our new house. (New Management Company trying to show off.) That was Monday. Tuesday, we had first visits to our new vet and groomer and license plates for my car. That made it a reality that we needed to “un-retire” for a while. Low and behold, while we are waiting for the dogs to get done at the groomers, I get a phone call with a job offer from the Boys and Girls Club. Not three days a week, but five. Not at the hourly rate I wanted, but close. Did I accept it? You bet I did! Great hours, working with at risk children, meeting new people, making a difference in my new community. What’s there not to love??

Yep, God thumped me on the head. Hard. I had gotten used to my life of leisure. I had gotten soft. And I am the rational, planner of the family! So, the job I didn’t think I wanted, that I almost didn’t go to the interview for, is my new job. Am I excited? Not yet-I will be. I am still wrapping my head around the fact that we actually LIVE here! Now, I have a job! Yeah me?? Honestly, it feels good to be part of something bigger than myself. It feels good to know I will be contributing not only to my new community, but to our family finances as well.

So, it is time to start planning the future based on my new schedule. Best of all, I am going to be working with an organization that I believe in and have room to grow in. The Boys and Girls Club is HUGE and I am blessed to be a small part of this wonderful mission they are on. So thanks, God, for the thump on the head-I needed it!

Safe travels,

Lori

The boxes are unpacked. The new furniture arrives tomorrow. We will be hanging decorations this weekend. Molly has been gone almost a week. No visitors are scheduled anytime soon. So what the f**k do we do now??

I remember when we moved to Hickory, Kevin started his job and I went to an employment agency to find myself a job. We were young and on an adventure and everything was new and exciting. We were learning about a new part of the country and meeting new people through our work. It was pretty easy to fit in quickly.

This time it is different. We are what you might call “mature”. We have stability in our relationship and finances. However, I feel at loose ends. I could just volunteer and do yoga and be a “housewife”, but I have decided that is not what I want. I want to meet people and become part of the community. After living in Fishers for 30 years, I miss going into stores and seeing people I know. I miss knowing the traditions of my town. Oceanside just celebrated their 130^th anniversary. I had no idea the town was that old! It is time to try new things to get involved. Part of me is ready and part of me is scared I won’t fit in.

So, what to do? Kevin and I are both looking for jobs. We are enjoying the beach and our neighborhood, but we don’t feel connected. I haven’t had to do this for a while. I haven’t had to “put myself out there” for years. What if no one wants me? What if I can’t get a job I like? What if this is all there is?

If you are thinking, “What is she bitching about, she lives in California now?”, I am thinking the same thing!! I have my dream!! I love my new home! I love my new neighborhood. I love the beach. I love the weather. Why am I so scared?? One reason-the unknown. I have no map for what to do next. There are so many different paths my life can take right now and I have no fucking clue where I will end up. That scares the shit out of me! I am a planner! I am the person who does laundry on certain days and cleans the house on Tuesdays and grocery shops on Thursdays. I make lists and I keep track of everything!! Not having the control of what tomorrow brings is something that I haven’t dealt with for years!

So basically, I have two choices. I can hide in my new house and do stuff with Kevin and wait and see what happens, or I can make things happen. I can put myself “out there” and risk rejection. I can become a part of my new community and not wait for it to come to me. I choose the second option. I am too old to wait for life to happen. So, next week, I am going to my first Oceanside yoga class. Yes, I have gained some wait with the move and I haven’t done a yoga class for six months, but I love yoga and I love connecting with the people who do yoga. I am going to apply for any job that appeals to me, whether I am “qualified” or not. I am going to go to the cool knitting store I found and sign up for a class. I am going to become connected to my new community!!! We plan on living the rest of our lives here and it is time to get out and meet people!! Yes, it is scary. Yes, the people we meet will never replace the friends we left in Indiana. But this is what we dreamed of for so long and now is the time to make it happen! There is no map, GPS, or satellite system that can guide us on this journey. We just have to have faith that God has our backs and all will be well. Wish us luck!!

Safe travels,

Lori

What is it about the beach that soothes my soul? Why do I feel different at the beach than I do anywhere else? Why is the beach so important to my happiness?

When I was young, we went “to the lake”. We went to northern Indiana lakes and Michigan lakes. I learned how to swim in a pool, but I went swimming in the lakes of my childhood. To this day, the smell of lake water touches something deep inside me.

I didn’t go “to the beach” until I was in junior high. We started going to Florida. My first encounter with the beach was Treasure Island, Florida. We stayed a week in a small resort that was on the beach. It also had a pool. Back then, the beach was a place I went walking with my dad. I spent all my quality time at the pool. The beach was just too “messy” for me.

My first encounter with my love of the beach was a short trip to Nags Head when Kevin and I lived in Hickory. We stayed at a small hotel right on the beach. It was Easter weekend, so it wasn’t really warm, but it was nice enough to be out on the beach. We had to climb outside stairs to get to our room and sand got everywhere. I loved it! I loved the smell of the sand. I loved the feel of the sand. I loved the sound of the water and the smell of the sea air. I fell in love and I fell hard. We spent our honeymoon on Kiawah Island and spent everyday on the beach. We swam, we sunned, and we rode bikes. We ate seaside. We drank seaside. We left the windows opened at night so we could hear the waves while we were sleeping. This started our love affair with vacations that centered around the beach.

We have been to New England beaches, East Coast beaches. We have been to the east coast and Gulf coast of Florida. We have been to the Panhandle of Florida and Gulf Shores. We have been to the west coast of Michigan so many times; I couldn’t even begin to guess. We have been to the Oregon Coast and the California Coast. Molly and I have been to St. Thomas, St. John and Punta Cana. This past Christmas, we all went to the Riviera Maya for Christmas. It was one of our best vacations ever.

Life changed forever two and a half years ago when we went to San Diego for a February vacation. We went for an escape from the Indiana winter blues and came back with a purpose: to move to San Diego County. Specifically, Oceanside, CA. There was something about this town that felt like home. We belonged there. The beaches in San Diego County spoke to us. We had to move there! We just had to!! We started planning. We started budgeting. We started dreaming. Little did we know that our dream would come true so much sooner than we hoped!

Now, I have my beach whenever I want. I can go there for a day; I can go there for an hour. I have my joy. I can’t explain it; I am at peace at the beach. I am closer to God at the beach. I am joyful at the beach. I am home at the beach. I hope you find your home.

Safe travels,

Lori

Self-love, self-help, self-awareness, selfishness, selflessness, self-approval, self-care, and on and on. All of these are terms we hear over and over again. It seems we are to put ourselves first and do whatever we can to improve our lives. What if you can’t? What if you try everything and you are still stuck? What if you don’t like yourself? What if you don’t like your life? What is you are depressed and you can’t take care of yourself? Then what? With the suicides of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, I wanted to share my journey of self -awareness. It isn’t pretty and it wasn’t easy.

When I was young, I was painfully shy. My mother did not believe is promoting self-esteem. My father loved me unconditionally and would never have understood that I wasn’t enough just the way I was. I was lonely a lot as a child. I had a few close friends, but I was not close to my sister or brother. My best friend from high school will tell you she thought I was “stuck-up” when we met in 10^th grade choir. No, just too shy to talk. (Luckily, we did talk and are still close friends today!) It wasn’t until I got to college and my brother’s girlfriend (now wife) started boosting my ego that I got over my shyness. But that was just the beginning of my “self journey”.

When Kevin and I moved to Hickory, my whole life revolved around him. I was thin back then and I did eat healthy. I even exercised regularly. But emotionally, I was not “self strong”. I did not stand up for myself in the relationship like I should have. I did not manage my money correctly. I did not put myself first.

When we moved to Indy, I did stand up for the apartment I wanted. I did quit a job I hated with Kevin’s support. But it took us two years to find a house we could agree on. Kevin was really into racing and backgammon and again, I was lonely a lot. We made friends in our new neighborhood and I had friends at work, but my best friend was my sister in law and she was in Fort Wayne and not emotionally stable herself. When I decided that I wanted to have a child, I finally stood up for myself. I wanted a baby and that was final. Kevin acquiesced and I got pregnant. That is when my emotional rollercoaster first showed it’s ugly head. I had a tough pregnancy and was on bed rest for four months at the end. The day Molly was born was the most wonderful day of my life. The six months afterwards, not so much. I had Postpartum Depression and I had it bad. It took about 3 months to realize it and another 3 months for the therapy and Prozac to work. I don’t remember much of the day-to-day life of Molly’s first six months. I look at pictures and I can remember some, but most of it is a blur. She was born in January and my memories really start in June. Luckily, I had the support of my mother and husband to get me through this tough time-I couldn’t “self-help” myself-I wasn’t able. I couldn’t put myself first; I had a baby to care for. I needed help.

Things were great the next 12 years. I was a mom and I loved it. I stayed home for five years with Molly and then I started teaching preschool. I was happy. We built our wonderful home in Weaver Woods North (the house we just sold) when Molly was in first grade. We went on vacations, we had wonderful friends,we were active, and we were a family. Then, I turned 42 and my life fell apart. I had never discussed peri-menopause with anyone and I really didn’t know what I was experiencing. My hairdresser at the time told me to read The Wisdom of Menopause and that opened my eyes. I was an emotional wreck and I needed help. My doctor put me on Prozac since that helped before, but it was just the opposite this time. I had a horrible reaction to it. My soul wanted out of my body. I couldn’t stand daily life. I wanted to die. I couldn’t sleep, and I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t want to live. With the support of my wonderful husband and compassionate doctor-I got help. I had to quit working and attend group therapy everyday. I started a 10-year relationship with Lexapro. I took two different medicines to sleep and go back to sleep. Again, I couldn’t “self help” myself. I had no self-love. I had no self-esteem. I couldn’t make it alone and I sure as hell didn’t have a map for this journey. But, I made it! After 8 years of ups and downs, I finally got on the other side of menopause and my symptoms reduced. I could breath again. I could feel happy again. I could be me again.

I am not telling you this to feel sorry for me, just the opposite. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without this “burden” in my life. It has made me stronger. It has made me more compassionate. It has made me kinder. I am able to share my story now. I am able to support others with the same problems. I am able to put my life in perspective and be grateful for all I have.

I know my blogs make it seem like my life is all perfect-but it’s not. I started out following Kevin to Hickory and ended up knowing myself in Oceanside.   I have evolved into the woman I am today because of all I have experienced. Would I change my past? Some of it, sure. But the essence of who I am is because of my past and I have thrived despite the hard times. If you can’t “self-help”, then ask for assistance! Please!!! As the bumper sticker from the bar where Kevin and I met says, “Never let the struggles of life interfere with the pleasures of living.”

Safe travels,

Lori