I have to admit, I am on the Struggle Bus this week. The two people I love most in the world are facing possible life threatening situations and there is nothing I can do about it. I don’t like not being in control – I think I have mentioned this before. The only thing I can do is pray and I have been doing that 24/7. Let me fill you in.
Molly finally has her dream job. She will be teaching Fourth Grade at a school where teachers are supported and valued. She has a great team to work with and she gets to teach math, which is her favorite subject to teach. The only problem-school start Wednesday, in person, with 23 students in her class. During Covid. She has asthma. Her asthma has gotten much better since she was a child, but she still battles about one bout of bronchitis a year. The school is supplying the teachers with shields and all students must wear masks at all times. But I can’t help but worry. She is MY baby and there is absolutely nothing I can do about the situation but pray. Pray that the precautions taken by the school system are enough. Pray that her students abide by the mask-wearing rule. Pray that no one Molly comes in contact with is Covid positive. When you have an adult child, you pray A LOT because you can’t make decisions for her. You can only pray that God will watch over her and keep her safe. This just feels different because if she gets sick, I won’t be able to go and take care of her. I won’t even be able be near her. Can’t help it-it’s a struggle for me.
Speaking of taking care of people, it just so happens that the day after Molly starts teaching, Kevin is having his ablation done. This is a common procedure to correct Afib and get him off the medication his is taking. Under normal circumstances, I would be at the hospital with him. But we are living in the time of Covid, where you can’t enter a hospital without a Covid test. Kevin gets one Tuesday, me nothing. We have been told absolutely nothing about what I am going to be permitted to do. We are prepared for me to drop him off at the hospital Thursday and pick him up the next day. Again, all I can do is pray. Pray for a successful procedure. Pray Kevin doesn’t contract Covid in the hospital. Pray that I don’t go crazy with worry. Pray, pray, pray, pray.
On top of all of that I am writing a book about my dysfunctional family. I am ¾ of the way through Chapter 2, which tells the story of my mother’s life before I was born. Much of it is based off of memories of the stories she told me and conclusions I have made from my life as her daughter. It is not easy to write unpleasant things about your mother. I have been having nightmares again. Like I do with depression. I have a frozen shoulder because I hold all my tension in my shoulders and I wake up from my nightmares completely tensed up. I have a great Physical Therapist, who has become part counselor to me. She can tell when I have had a rough night.
Here is the strange thing. With all this going on, I feel emotionless on the surface. I am numb. This is not my first rodeo with God testing my faith. I know He is in control and there is nothing I can do about the situations. I have blanketed my fears in faith and it has helped to calm me. I should be going off like “a clay pigeon” as Kevin likes to say, but I am strangely quiet. Maybe accepting that I am on The Struggle Bus and accepting I have no control is a positive. I am not fighting against it-I have accepted it. I have no idea what life will look like a week, month or even year from now, but I am accepting of it. My lack of emotion kind of scares me, because it is so unusual for me. Am I depressed? Maybe. I am under the care of amazing professionals, so maybe being numb is a healthy way to cope. I have no idea.
I know that I am not the only one struggling during this unprecedented time. People are out of work. Families have lost loved ones and don’t have enough food to eat. We are all trying to figure out our “new normal” and no one is enjoying it. All I can say is pray, pray, pray. It is the only way for me to accept the things I cannot control and turn them over to God. If you are a praying person, if you could add one for the McLeasters this week, I would appreciate it. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord.” Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11.
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