Patience has never been a strong point for me. As a child, I used to make myself sick with excitement before Christmas, my birthday or a big vacation. I have been known to make rash decisions that I later regret. When I want to buy something big, I put it on a credit card and decide how to pay for it later. I can’t stand it when people don’t find out the sex of their baby during ultrasound-HOW CAN YOU WAIT PEOPLE?? (Though I do think Gender Reveal Parties are out of hand.) I think my insomnia is partially due to my impatience. I hate to wait – for anything.
So, these days are tough for me. We are being forced to be patient. Everyday, Kevin takes his blood pressure and pulse to see if the medicine is working. Everyday, we wonder if his numbers are good enough for the next Cardio Version to work. Everyday, we miss Archie and wish we could get our new puppy sooner. Everyday, we wonder what the future will bring.
This time feels different for me. I don’t know if it’s age or if I am just too exhausted to be impatient. The slow days aren’t bothering me as much I expected them to. Maybe I have grown up a little, or maybe, I have learned to appreciate each day and the experiences it brings.
We aren’t the only one in limbo. Since Kevin’s diagnosis, we have found out that many people we know are dealing with serious Afib. I have a friend who was diagnosed with breast cancer a few months back. It was supposed to be a simple lumpectomy, but it has turned into a much more serious situation. We have friends whose Golden Retriever just had surgery for cancerous tumors and they are waiting to hear what their treatment options are. My dear friend who had knee replacement surgery in JUNE is just starting to get her mobility back. She has been in limbo for months! People are living with uncertainty in their lives all over the world.
I am a planner. I plan EVERYTHING. I drive Kevin and Molly nuts with my plans. I plan vacations a year in advance. I make a list and plan my day, everyday, and I feel lost when I don’t. I get upset when my plans don’t go the way I expect. So, you can imagine, how upsetting the last two weeks have been. My schedule hasn’t been mine. My plans have been changed constantly. My world has been unpredictable.
So, while the slow days aren’t bothering me as much, not being able to make plans is driving me a little crazy. I’ll start to think about planning something and then I will remember. Will Kevin be cleared by then? Oh, yeah, we will have a puppy then, we can’t go on a trip! How much is all this going to cost?? (I am big on budgets too.)
The hardest part of the slow days is watching how sad Lola is. I wish she could talk so I could explain to her why Archie left. I wish we were able to get a puppy sooner for her to play with and love. I wish she would run and play like she used too-but her playmate is no longer here. She is in limbo too and she doesn’t understand why.
So, we journey on. Kevin will continue to take his meds and his blood pressure. We will do as many activities as we can. February 6th isn’t really that far away. Then we will know if the meds worked and Kevin’s heart will get back to normal rhythm. Then I can make plans again (I refuse to accept anything but a positive outcome.) Then Molly and I can get excited about our Girls Trip to Palm Springs. Then I can visit Jen in Phoenix. Then we can get excited about the puppy. Until then, I am attempting to live by a saying that I have tried to adopt into my life. Cartoonist Bil Keane said, “Yesterday’s the past, tomorrow’s the future, but today is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present”. What are you going to do with your gift today?