The boxes are unpacked. The new furniture arrives tomorrow. We will be hanging decorations this weekend. Molly has been gone almost a week. No visitors are scheduled anytime soon. So what the f**k do we do now??
I remember when we moved to Hickory, Kevin started his job and I went to an employment agency to find myself a job. We were young and on an adventure and everything was new and exciting. We were learning about a new part of the country and meeting new people through our work. It was pretty easy to fit in quickly.
This time it is different. We are what you might call “mature”. We have stability in our relationship and finances. However, I feel at loose ends. I could just volunteer and do yoga and be a “housewife”, but I have decided that is not what I want. I want to meet people and become part of the community. After living in Fishers for 30 years, I miss going into stores and seeing people I know. I miss knowing the traditions of my town. Oceanside just celebrated their 130th anniversary. I had no idea the town was that old! It is time to try new things to get involved. Part of me is ready and part of me is scared I won’t fit in.
So, what to do? Kevin and I are both looking for jobs. We are enjoying the beach and our neighborhood, but we don’t feel connected. I haven’t had to do this for a while. I haven’t had to “put myself out there” for years. What if no one wants me? What if I can’t get a job I like? What if this is all there is?
If you are thinking, “What is she bitching about, she lives in California now?”, I am thinking the same thing!! I have my dream!! I love my new home! I love my new neighborhood. I love the beach. I love the weather. Why am I so scared?? One reason-the unknown. I have no map for what to do next. There are so many different paths my life can take right now and I have no fucking clue where I will end up. That scares the shit out of me! I am a planner! I am the person who does laundry on certain days and cleans the house on Tuesdays and grocery shops on Thursdays. I make lists and I keep track of everything!! Not having the control of what tomorrow brings is something that I haven’t dealt with for years!
So basically, I have two choices. I can hide in my new house and do stuff with Kevin and wait and see what happens, or I can make things happen. I can put myself “out there” and risk rejection. I can become a part of my new community and not wait for it to come to me. I choose the second option. I am too old to wait for life to happen. So, next week, I am going to my first Oceanside yoga class. Yes, I have gained some wait with the move and I haven’t done a yoga class for six months, but I love yoga and I love connecting with the people who do yoga. I am going to apply for any job that appeals to me, whether I am “qualified” or not. I am going to go to the cool knitting store I found and sign up for a class. I am going to become connected to my new community!!! We plan on living the rest of our lives here and it is time to get out and meet people!! Yes, it is scary. Yes, the people we meet will never replace the friends we left in Indiana. But this is what we dreamed of for so long and now is the time to make it happen! There is no map, GPS, or satellite system that can guide us on this journey. We just have to have faith that God has our backs and all will be well. Wish us luck!!